Testimonio from the Basement—This Damn Manuscript
By Lilian Milanés (William Paterson University)
This testimonio is inspired by Yvette Gisele Flores Ortiz’s “Testimonios from the Couch” (Latina Feminist Group 2001), where Flores Ortiz describes:
I write because I must, because I have the privilege of education, the power of my words…I write because the words transform my rage, my pain. Because when I write, I give voice to my body, and my body remembers…Your institutions will not destroy us. If you keep us out, we will find another way to make our voices heard. We know, we remember, we speak, and we hold you accountable. (296–97)
I wrote this testimonio fed up, enraged, with the need to get this off my chest.
This bitch
This fucking manuscript
Is the same age—or older than my oldest child, now in first grade
This damn manuscript started as a conference paper, in 2016
I was in my fourth year of graduate school
Had just (barely) passed my qualifying exams
Was in between advisors
Was in the beginning stages of my dissertation fieldwork
And I had a newborn child at home
I remember being asked by a faculty member if I was going to “take time off” for a maternity leave
I didn’t really know what that meant at the time…
…I still don’t think I know what a “maternity leave” means in the US (despite having had three children within the US)
November 2016
This damn manuscript
went through several (helpful) revisions before its final reading at said conference
The panel was really invigorating and exciting to be a part of
There were talks of working each of our papers for a special issue or edited volume
6 months pass
February 2017
I was still unsure of my identity as a “scholar” in my field
Thus, this manuscript’s identity has suffered and gets pushed back
Thanks to my Suegra for providing childcare, I was able to finish dissertation fieldwork
Fall 2017
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series
Donald Trump is elected as president
Oh shit, the world is ending
Endless lines at the post office
Migrant parents begin applying for their US-born children’s passports
My fellowship falls through the bureaucratic academic cracks
We make plans to divide our family so I can TA and finish the dissertation with minimal debt
Thanks again to my Suegra for providing childcare, I finished writing my dissertation
We made plans to divide our family so I can apply for tenure-track jobs
Oh shit! I got an on-campus interview
OH MY GOD—WE got a job offer!!
I signed that shit before the ink was dry
May 2018
I (barely?) defended my dissertation
Graduated
Moved to a new state, full family intact this time
Did some revisions to the dissertation
Submitted to graduate school
PhD in hand August 2018
September 2018
Started a tenure-track job at a minority-serving institution
Taught seven classes in the first academic year
April 2019
I bring this damn manuscript to the university-wide writing group
Get some (much appreciated) revisions
I think about submitting to a couple of open-access online journals
Summer 2019
I teach my first completely online summer course
Start (?) a new research project (?)
Wtf am I supposed to do in these 2–3 short summer months
We move into our first family home
September 2019
The start of a new academic year
the damn manuscript gets pushed to the back burner yet again
December 2019
Hearing talks almost every day on the radio about an infectious disease spreading in China
Every day lo mismo? Damn this must be serious
January 2020
Plan and prepare spring courses
Make arrangements for the last month of classes to take my maternity leave for baby #2
March 2020
On-campus speaking arrangement canceled due to spread of COVID-19
Spring break
University gives faculty one extra week of “buffer” to pivot all courses online
April 2020
Unsure if husband will be able to witness birth of baby #2
We don’t risk Abuela’s travel on an airplane
Thanks to my Madrina for providing childcare for child #1 while we went to birth child #2 in the hospital
COVID-19 scare, testing, waiting for results, isolation, separate entrances, hazmat suits, decontamination each way, seclusion, confirming no COVID—yet no further testing, in the clear
Scheduled C-section pushed to the next morning
Must do hospital check-in and get poked with needles again less than 12 hours later
Disrespectful nurse causing problems pre-op and post-op
Successful C-section to baby #2
No time taken off from work
May 2020
Newborn at home
Really painful breastfeeding journey
Teach an asynchronous online six-week summer course
July 2020
Finally get this damn manuscript into better shape and submit to a peer-reviewed journal
August 2020
Start of a new academic year.
Our institution offers a buffet of course modalities to get students face-to-face
My loving department offers me the privilege of working from home for the entire academic year
Beginning conversations of university-wide layoffs, with hundreds of cuts being targeted within faculty
The union makes sanctions with the university administration to curb layoffs
There goes any hope for course releases to do research.
Mass early retirements, elder faculty hope to save the jobs of younger peers
The faculty spirit is broken
February 2021
Revise and resubmit!
Get reviews back, all three
Damn. This is brutal…at least two of the three
Thank you, reviewer #3, for the actually constructive comments
April 2021
Finalized all three different sets of reviewers’ revisions and synthesized—a HUGE process in and of itself
Submitted for another round of reviews.
Shorter list of faculty to be laid off notified
June 2021
Review Round Two
Reviewer #1 - rejected (no comments at all)
Reviewer #2 - revise and resubmit (“still needed major revisions and mentoring”)
Reviewer #3 - accepted with minor revisions (literally only 3)
Teaching summer online class
Not enough hours in the day, nor energy to battle with the eternal imposter syndrome (and continued validation of this syndrome), to continue revising this damn manuscript before the next academic year
Fall 2021
Another academic year, this time teaching five classes, four different preps
Receive contact from editor about status of manuscript
Teaching five classes is a bitch
First time fully on campus since March 2020
Despite being fully immunized—including COVID—my immune system was not ready, being pregnant with baby #3 did not help either
Went two months with a never-ending cough, no days off
Thanksgiving break provided the necessary days of rest my body had been pleading for
I finally get rid of the cough
January 2022
My first official maternity leave begins
I use the one month before baby arrives to do the revisions of reviewer #2
Submit these revisions THE DAY BEFORE MY SCHEDULED C-SECTION FOR BABY #3
May 2022
I get feedback from reviewer #2 for more revisions
June 2022
I complete said revisions and make some cuts—by now the manuscript is way too long
I immediately get word that I need to cut 3,000 words
Bet
Make the chops and send back to editor
(whew) don’t need to go through the scrutiny of reviewer #2 again
July 2022
Welp the editor has their own list of priorities for me to attend to
Including (but not limited to) me “not sounding too much like a student”
Yes, it still hurts, ego stays bruised and battered with this damn field, academia, the pressure to publish, produce, and always do something.
Fuck this shit. There’s got to be a better way.
–Signed author
July 22, 2022
Within a few weeks of writing this testimonio—and after a couple more revisions—this manuscript was finally accepted for publication. The official publication date was December 2022.
Cite As
Milanés, Lilian. 2023. “Testimonio from the Basement—This Damn Manuscript.” American Anthropologist website, July 10.