When Our Children’s Ages Mark the Length of Our Stalled Careers—Mothering while Brown in the American Academy

By Melissa Zavala (CUNY Graduate Center)

When an improbable doctorate intersected with motherhood late in life for this working-class immigrant from Central America, the academic path I had set upon became constricted, as it had during my graduate school years. After my cohort shrank to less than half its size, only three women of color remained. Establishing an academic career is doubly hard when the odds are against us. Multiple roadblocks squeeze ever harder the more we, the unlikely, push forward. Stories of oppressive graduate school programs seemed foreign to me—until I found myself coping with my advisor’s changing moods and worrying about his uneven support of me and my work. My doubts about his backing only grew with his continuous reference to a favorite alumnus’ research whose work I was tasked to discuss, including during my defense. It was perplexing; our topics seemed only tenuously related. I compartmentalized these unusual power dynamics, believing they must be personality quirks that I had to learn to manage.

I found out I was pregnant as I waited an especially long time for approval from my outside reader, who recommended I hire an editor, suggesting my work was lacking. I later attended a talk by this same outside reader of my work at the annual meeting and heard her discuss a theme and source from my dissertation she had suggested made little sense and that I should remove. I felt deflated, confused as to why she would tell me one of my key arguments was illogical while it nevertheless seemed rather relevant to her own talk.

I had been so embarrassed to tell the only woman on my committee that I was taking time off following my defense when she kindly checked in on me after I gave birth to my daughter. She told me that she always wanted to warn students who planned to write extensively following the birth of a child, cautioning them of common difficulties. However, she refrained from doing so as to not diminish the ambitious plans many new mothers develop.

Parenting changes everything. All the doubts I had about shepherding someone’s life while surviving the “mombie” effect (i.e., the “mom zombie” who is tired from lack of sleep and hours of nursing) were difficult to sort. As the fog began to clear, my husband was laid off. I had to patch together an income. Pursuing an academic career met with financial precarity. The months grew into years. The years led to a second baby even later in life, and my career plans—which had prioritized stability, a supportive community, and longevity—quickly morphed into the temporary and isolating world of adjuncting from one semester to the next.

The best-laid plans of mice and moms often go awry. My daughter and son. (Illustration by author)

Image description: Young girl with eyes closed, embracing her infant brother who is holding a ball before his mouth.

BIO

Melissa Zavala completed her doctorate in anthropology from The Graduate Center, City University of New York (CUNY). Her research analyzes the uses of restoration ecology for remediating urban brownfields and maintaining city parkland. With the Fresh Kills landfill-turned-park as a main case, ecological maintenance techniques and waste reduction efforts are two of the central themes in her study of how New York City responds to environmental challenges, including the impacts of climate change. She is an adjunct assistant professor in anthropology at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, City University of New York.